Eighteen Letters
by JenLea
Summary: Pregnant and dying…Joanne never imagined she’d be in this position. Now, all she has to be concerned about is making sure her baby knows that Mama loves her…
1. Prologue

_Eighteen Letters_

_Prologue_

Disclaimer: You recognize them…I don't own them.  
Pairing: Maureen/Joanne

Summary: Pregnant and dying…Joanne never imagined she'd be in this position. Now, all she has to be concerned about is making sure her baby knows that Mama loves her…

A/N- Based roughly off the Jason Meadow's Song _18 Video Tapes._

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"How is she?" Maureen asked, peeking her head in the bedroom door. Anna, Joanne's parents' maid, peeked her head up from her sewing. 

"Sleeping." Anna murmured, setting her sewing aside. "She's been sleeping all afternoon, after she had to take her migraine medicine," Maureen grimaced, checking her watch. 

"Do you want to go? I can sit with her." She murmured. "Or even lay with her." Anna nodded, standing up. Maureen found herself, grasping Anna in a tight embrace. "I don't know how I can thank you." 

"I really don't mind." Anna said, tucking a piece of her red hair behind her ear. "I mean…it's not even just my job. It's giving comfort to someone who needs it more than ever."

As soon as the young woman was out of sight, Maureen pulled back the covers and slid in, making sure she was able to cradle Joanne in her arms. Her hands rested on her lover's swollen middle, she struggled not to cry.

"Mattie's kicking you." Joanne murmured sleepily. Maureen sighed. "I know you're trying not to cry." She sniffled. "I don't see why not. I cry…when no one's watching," She winced. "Ugh. I feel like a truck ran through my skull." 

"It's okay." Maureen murmured, her lips grazing Joanne's ear. "Have you eaten?" She gently massaged Joanne's belly. 

"Couldn't." she groaned. "Headaches make me nauseous." 

"You have to at least try." Maureen whispered. "Think of the baby," She bit her lower lip. Had she been wrong when she refused to let the doctors place a feeding tube? "I'm sorry. I know you tried." She nibbled harder on her lip. "Do you want them to place a feeding tube?"

"I'm dying. Not an invalid." Joanne muttered, rolling over. "The most I want is an IV. I know you'll make sure I eat something." She coughed. Maureen stood up. "Can I try some Mushroom broth?" 

"I was just thinking that." Maureen said, moving into the kitchen. "I wonder why Mattie likes mushrooms so much." She heated the dark soup in a saucepan. "Since you normally hate them."

"Who knows?" Joanne muttered. "Maybe she's just your daughter." She sighed. "I can't believe we have nine days to go until we meet her." 

"I know." Maureen murmured, handing her a steaming bowl. "Be careful. It's warm, and eat slow," Joanne's hands shook violently. "Better yet, open." She slowly spoon fed her lover. 

"I can't believe you have to do this." Joanne muttered. "I should at least be able to feed myself." Maureen sighed.

"Shh." She murmured. "We don't ask to go through what we have to go through." She blotted her eyes.

"No more." Joanne turned her head away from the spoon. "It's making me sick." Maureen nodded. "Could you please set up the laptop with the flash drive?" Maureen looked at her. 

"I thought staring at the screen made your migraines worse." Maureen murmured. Joanne glowered at her.

"I'm pregnant and dying of a brain tumor." She muttered. "A little Migraine isn't going to stop me doing what I have to do." Maureen nodded, knowing not to argue with her wife. "My baby isn't going to live without me, thinking I never loved her. _I died for her."_ Her face was an unwavering show of strength.

Maureen merely nodded.

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	2. Letter 1

18 Letters

Year One

Disclaimer: You recognize them- I don't own it.

"Mark, we're fine. She just had a long day- babies cry. It's usually not the end of the world. Plus she had to deal with a ton of people- who knew Joanne's family was that large?" Maureen Johnson whispered, shutting the door to the nursery. "You don't have to come over."

"Mo, I know what today is for you. I want to be there. Plus I haven't seen my Goddaughter in ages. I bet she's getting big."

"Fine. If you insist- please come. Just give me like an hour. I have a letter to read to her and I'd like to be alone for that." Maureen's mind momentarily drifted to thoughts of the shoe box in the closet and the stacks of envelopes in it.

"Okay, Maureen. I'll buzz you when I get there."

Mark hung up.

Maureen bit down on her lower lip, trying to contain her tears. She had never imagined life would be like this. They had been supposed to do this together. Joanne, Maureen and their beautiful daughter... Now, it was just Maureen and their daughter- Joanne gone to wherever the other side had led her to.

"I can do this. It was one of her final wishes." She lightly shuffled over to the hall closet. Wrenching the door open, she pulled out the old Converse box. "Who knew an entire life could fit in a box?" Removing the lid, she lightly shuffled through the envelopes before pulling out the envelope labeled with "Matisse Margeux- Year One" in Joanne's careful cursive.

_Jo, I am about to break the number one Mama rule for you. Everyone knows you never wake a sleeping baby. _Maureen thought, opening the door to the nursery. She paused before just pulling the rocking chair over to the round maple crib. _On second thought, I'll let her sleep but I'll just read it to her. Learning by osmosis..._

Maureen ripped open the envelope, careful not to tear anything with Joanne's writing on it. After taking several deep breaths, she pulled out the piece of stationary.

"Okay, Mattie, this is from your mommy. She went to Heaven a year ago but it was her wish that you got a letter a year from her until you turned eighteen and then for every major adult thing you did after that. I know you're not used to serious Mama but I miss your Mommy so much. These are her words to you on your first birthday..." She cleared her throat as she began to read out loud.

_Dear Mattie,_

_Happy first birthday, Baby Girl. I can't believe it has been one year since we met- I bet you are looking nothing like you did when we met. You're probably bigger with more hair and more teeth. Maybe you're not a baby anymore but starting to grow into a child. _

_Mommy never wanted to leave you, Little One. I wanted to be there for everything. The first smile. The first laugh. The first...everything. I left so you could have a life. Never forget that you have a mommy who loved you so much that she left so you could live. You're much too small to understand that but I know one day, Mama will tell you everything._

_What can I say? You're currently kicking in my belly as I write this. It's so hard to imagine me not being there. Your little kicks are a miracle. With all the miracles I've seen in the world, your gentle kicking is the most miraculous of them all. _

_Your name is Matisse Margaux Jefferson-Johnson. It's a very long name for such a little girl but with names like Maureen and Joanne, your moms wanted to make sure you never blended into the crowd. If Mama hasn't changed her mind, we call you Mattie. It seems to fit you- you kick like a Mattie. _

_When I thought about this project, I thought that the words would come so easy. I always imagined that I would have forever to tell you everything that I wanted to tell you. To be there for your every milestone..._

_Since I can't, I suppose I just want to say Happy Birthday. I'm not sure how else to describe what I'm thinking. Just know Mommy loves you so very much and would give anything in the world to be right there with you right now._

_Happy birthday, Mattie. _

_Love always,  
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_Mommy_

Tears streamed down Maureen's silent face. She had known that she would be expected to be the keeper of the letters but she had never thought for one second that it would be this hard to read her dead wife's words.

Standing up, she pulled the sleeping baby out of the crib and into her arms. Matisse seemed to get fussy for the first few moments until she realized she was in her Mama's arms where she promptly fell back to sleep.

"Joanne..." Maureen spoke to the dead air. "We miss you so much. She has your eyes and it pains me to realize that it's been a year since we've seen each other. I love you..." She sunk into the silence, just rocking with the baby.

That was how Mark found her an hour later...


End file.
